12:56 a.m. and I have been awake since 12:14 with my entire left side, extremities and all bunched up and cramping. Someone asked me what this feels like and I guess the best way to describe it is the old rubber band toys. You would have to wind up the toy by turning the rubber band over and over and over until it was wound tight. You would sometimes wind it so tight it would snap because of the tension. This is like it is wound tight but no release from letting it go and it feels close to breaking.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take more muscle relaxers or pain pills. I don’t want to be a drugged out zombie. I am already on 30 mg of baclafen and take pain pills only twice to three times a day. I have tried heat, I have tried ice. I am drinking water like crazy. In am in prayer mode asking God’s will to be done and to alleviate the pain. I believe He is at work and the pain would be greater if not for Him. I think this is part of my bodies response to the type and location of my stroke.
Writing this helps me to concentrate on something more than just the huge discomfort and pain of this. It amazes me how God made our bodies to be able to withstand so much. My husband and my back home BFF’s husband who is a paraplegic suffer from daily pain, I have always been amazed what all they do in their lives. They continue to be amaze me with what they do and how they do it with their pain levels.
Today was productive. We drafted a letter to go to the new people in the community and sent that with a calendar of events. I wrote articles to the newspaper about our upcoming sermon series. Worked on the sermon series. Was wiped by noon. I came home, ate and laid down. I was awakened by a call from the school.
Seems the Princess struggled a bit today with behaviour. This is so hard, she can be sweet as candy and then become this tormented ballistic child having having extreme meltdowns. She has improved but think she gets over loaded and that translates to tantrums. Part of it is her upbringing, part of it is being MMR, ADHD, PTSD. Some of it is mimicking her bio brothers behavior. She may be reacting to my illness, her knowing the adoption is moving forward or ??? I don’t know. We are working closely with the school, her counselor and her Arthur Center worker.
She told me tonight she was dumb. I asked her who told her that. She said no one. That broke my heart. Untold her she WAS NOT dumb. She learned different but she was and never will be dumb. I think her differences and behaviors is being noticed by her peers.
A garden gnome in the form of Deb Kraft came to weed and cut the deadheads in my flower garden, she even uncovered my rock area. What a blessing! That was driving me nuts and was an embarrassment to the neighbors. It looks great now.
Dinner was a Midwest favorite, pork burgers. I mixed up some teriyaki pineapple mayo and are mine with grilled pineapple.
Tomorrow is Brandon’s first soccer practice. He is so excited. It amazes me to see how far he has come in the two years we have had him. Our problems are less to do with his past and how was mistreated but typical pre teen boy issues. We are starting him back in counseling with Angie Barton to deal with some issues. We are being preventive as opposed to waiting after the event or problem to manifest.
I said early in my journey that whatever was happening I was going to let it be used for God’s glory and allow it to be a time of experience and training for my future. I am daily putting on the armour of God. My prayers are more praise and thanksgiving and less petition. Scripture in Job, the Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.