Pain grrr

I hate pain but have a high threshold, or so I thought.  I have had a lot of tone, more than I think I should have. My hand and foot clench so tightly that it causes my muscles to contract and give spasms and cramps. Plus something feels tweaked in my shoulder that causes sharp pain. I tried to do the OT with my arm and hand today but was nearly impossible with the amount of pain I was having.

I hate pain, I hate feeling weak. Frankly it pisses me off to the point of tears. I want to be strong, I want to be self sufficient and I want to handle things with grace and dignity. Sigh. Just at times it us overwhelming, I want to be making great humongous strides. I would like to be a miracle. And there my friends is the rub. I am asking, more like demanding, what I want and I am not listening to what  God is saying or what he is not saying. I am not surrendering I am trying to control.

The same habit I am trying to break the Princess of doing.  She wants to be in charge and dictate to the adults and students in her class. She wants to set the agenda. And when she is caught, she does an Eddy Haskell “I love you” “I like your hair””cool outfit”.

We do the same thing, we want what we want and when we want it. We are egocentric and narcissist. We need to surrender to God and let him have the control, let it be in his time.  God is using me during this. He will keep on using me, I just need to be open to it. Remember I am in his time.  “In His time, in His time, all things beautiful happen in His time.”

Ron and I clowned today. It went well, I forgot a few of the skits but we muddled through it.  It was fun doing a show for 20 3-year olds. We did lose the zipper in Ron’s pants, so we almost had a disaster.

Our community is mourning the death of a 15 year old in a car accident.  Painful. And here I sit and whine about me, when their is a family grieving.  Lord, put me back into shape.  Be with this family and community. Please forgive my sin.



I am a wife, mother, and pastor. We moved from Bowling Green, Missouri to Idaho Falls in 2016. I am a native of Eastern Washington state. In 2013 I had 2 strokes in 8 days and this is my journey of faith, family and health. I believe no matter what happens in your life that God can use it for His glory.

One thought on “Pain grrr

  1. No one can blame you for the way you feel!! I think we would all feel they way you do. I love your transparency of your blog. You are touching so many, me for sure!! Its like my sermons I need on a daily basis. Praying for you and your family. Also for the family of the 15 yr old who has passed. love you!!


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