In the Bible we are told that we are a new creation in Christ. I appreciate that as when I came to know him I embraced being made new and seeing things with new eyes.
Lately I have been struggling with my new normal. I am not back to the “me” I was before the strokes. I hate the “s” on that. I am recovering from 2 within one week. And I am blessed to be alive, I am blessed to have most of my thoughts and memories.
I have been sooo tired lately. Hitting those invisible walls. My shoulder is doing better and I have a love/hate relationship with the PT. My lower leg and foot are not cooperative. I am having a lot of swelling and the tightness (spaciticity) is extreme. The range of motion is not increasing. Headaches are the norm for me. It’s not will I have a headache but what will the severity of the pain be today.
In my mind I thought I’d be back to normal by now. And everyday is still a struggle to walk, use my arm and hand. I have had a few falls and I don’t have a lot of balance. My voice gets strangled or fades out. So well this is frustrating. And in the midst of this I am going through menopause or I think I am. Never sure what is stroke and meds and what is not. So there have been some benefits. Going through menopause with a stroke brain, makes it easier to not know what all is happening.
The call from many is for me to slow down while some expect me to maintain the same pace. So it is a Catch-22. I am a hard worker and want to do not a good job but a great job. A lot of what I do is God-inspired but a lot requires work, dedication, learning,listening, creativity and doing. But my body betrays me at times or that is what it feels like. Silly body.
There is an alienation that has come with this “disease”. Disease is what it feels like. Folks don’t treat you the same. You aren’t invited to hang out with the cool kids. They analyze your ability or inability to walk or not walk. They wonder why you hold your hand that way. You are looked at with either pity or non understanding. “What’s wrong with her?” “My so-so had a stroke and they are just fine.” The isolation is hard as you are locked into a body that refuses do what you ask it to do.
The kiddos don’t always understand what is happening. If I have a pain or nap too long, they have a fear that I will be taken back to the hospital and “leave” them. Ron has been a saint. He is my chauffeur, my pharmacist, helps me dress, ties my shoes, house husband and even is cooking edible food.
We have had 2 extra kiddos since December 28. Was a emergency placement then became a matter of no other available foster homes. The option was here or ship them to the Kansas City area separately. We held on assuming that by the court dater of March. Now we are looking at June. I don’t quit or give up on my kiddos but this time I am going to have to admit that after school they will need another placement. Saddens me but we have done as much as possible. I am too tired to continue.
I miss my big kids…Patrick and Nicholas and Michelle and Kaitlyn. I love them so much. Dillon I have lost for a bit due to life drama. Those kids I am so proud of each and everyone on
Through all this I am a child of God and he is still molding me and shaping me. He is the pottery and I am the clay. And through this test of fire, I will emerge stronger and tempered through this test. I will praise him in my storm,