Recently in my Evangelism class the instructor asked us what our greatest fear was. There was a list to pick from or we could choose our own.My greatest fear is to,”let people down” to not be all they need me to be.
This fear puts a lot of pressure on one’s self. Logically, yuck know you will let people down. Human nature predicts that through the odds of just living. You will not be everything to everyone. But I have disappointing people, letting them down. Not living up to their expectations. Sometimes their expectations are not realistic but those are their expectations and they thrive on those.
When I was a child I was told didn’t have brains God gave a piss ant. So I worked harder, but I still disappointed with grades, chores and attitude. I was too withdrawn, I was too mouthy, I was too goody too shoe because of that religious carp, I didn’t clean the house well enough….etc,etc,etc…the list went on. I was a disappointment, the problem child.
I worked harder at school. I escaped into learning. I escaped from that environment. But that initial damage had been done to me. It would take me years to recover. And mistakes would be made in relationships as I grew.
In my late 30’s and 40’s, I seemed to have it pretty much together. Recently, the fear of not pleasing people has returned. Why? I think the stupid bleeping strokes have a bit to do with it. It changed a part of me inside my head that I cannot fully explain to anyone. I am not who I was in so many aspects bit I am still me. People see me as me. With the limp and funky hand but they don’t see how my head thinking and processing has changed. I struggle with words and memory and it pisses me off. My head aches every day to different degrees of pain and lately I struggle with blurry vision and swallowing wrong.
This isn’t said for pity but out of my frustration that I am not doing everything that everyone wants of me. That I am letting People down. Really my greatest concern becomes am I letting HIM down. Am I doing enough to serve my God. Am I modeling him to others? Can they see God in me? Am I showing love to all people?
For years I wanted my family to say, “good job”.
I want to be known in my pastorate for doing a good job.
I want God to say well done my good and faithful servant