Disclaimer: I do have permission to blog from my family even if it doesn’t always let us all shine.

What if…that is a question many of us ask. What if I had done this or that? What if they had done it differently?  What if, what if

We often live in a “what if” state of mind. And many of the what ifs, we cannot change. But we often do, we look behind and not ahead. When are we going to move away from that mentality.

My teen is living in a “what if” world. It breaks my heart. He carries the burden of 11 foster homes and still fears we won’t keep him. So he pushes us away and challenges us every step. His life has sucked as he succinctly says. Yes it has. But he still wonders what if his bio’s would have made different decisions. What if the system hadn’t screwed him. What if we hadn’t moved. And the list goes on

He tries so hard to push buttons and he often succeeds.  He is very good at that and I admittedly at times react. Then he makes sure I know I messed up. Today when I talked to him about school, his phone and loading a program on my work computer he flipped.  He hated me, was done with family, rules are for dumb people, he yelled, he threw things and became violent. I am proud say the majority of the time I didn’t raise my voice.

I stayed as calm as I could, raised my voice twice. That freaked him out,he wanted me to yell and to rage. Ron and I know he help. We have contacted social services to get him help. 

Now as we go on this difficult journey. I fear for him. I pray he stops this destructive patterns. I wonder if I am doing the right things by him. And our little girl who is part parrot and mimic. So at times we get a two- Fer at night.

I am wearing down but I will not stop believing that he can and will be hope. I pray he draws close to God and finds hope in Him. He is a lost little boy in a changing teens body. I will pray without ceasing.



I am a wife, mother, and pastor. We moved from Bowling Green, Missouri to Idaho Falls in 2016. I am a native of Eastern Washington state. In 2013 I had 2 strokes in 8 days and this is my journey of faith, family and health. I believe no matter what happens in your life that God can use it for His glory.

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