What Kind of Parent Am I (rhetorical only)

I have shared the escapades of my precious sweet Princess. She makes a laugh, she makes us shake our heads, she is silly and crazy. We love her with all our hearts. She is a child you can’t help fall in love with, she steals hearts.

She is perfect and God doesn’t make junk. I often remind her of that when she says she is dumb because she is behind the other kids. Her previous life experiences, her bio parents genetics and her alphabet of diagnosis has not been kind to her and the list seems to keep growing. We nicknamed her Princess not just because she likes them but because she is a princess in God’s kingdom.

I have never raised a little girl. My other daughters came in teen and grown up size. So often things are a surprise. One day a tomboy or as she tells me a Tom girl or the next day wanting to wear a dress so she can look pretty.

Moving has been hard on the kids. The Teen is struggling at school, being defiant and angry and has discovered the opposite sex. May the Lord help us with that alone. We have limited his phone time to 2 hours and all electronics have to be turned off 1/2 hour before bed. We expect him to do his chores which aren’t as many now that there is no lawn mowing until spring.

The Princess though is another story. Her behaviors due to some of her alphabet diagnosis have began to exibit. The wandering has become chronic and almost a compulsion. There have been 2 more flights since the incident of putting Ralphie in the car.

We have hidden the leashes but she is creative; shoelaces tied to collars and today using my clown prop of the invisible dog as the leash. We have explained about how big this town is and that there are bad people, busy streets and unknown areas. It seems to have no impact. We are afraid to even let her out of our sight as she seems to slip away in milliseconds. 

Saturday was my hardest day with her. She had a meltdown Friday and then again Saturday. Many people who do not have special need kids do not understand this. She is not having what you would call a temper tantrum, some cross wiring in her brain has caused her to go into this state where she can’t calm down. The coping skills aren’t always there.

Usually her meltdowns can be managed. You let her go a bit and then work on the techniques that work for your kiddo. Friday she was yelling, screaming and flailing. I had to restrain her. She was to the point where we weren’t her parents and she was going to go stay with my oldest son. We weren’t mom and dad, we were Dawn and Ron. When Ron got home he got the birth certificate out and showed her when we adopted her the birth certificate put us as her mommy and daddy. She instantly settled down. She went from mini banshee to a loving cutie.

Saturday was a busy dsy. She had her counseling, we went to see my sister in law and she saw one of her cousins, we went to finish my office and then to the store. When we got home she was to clean her room. She works at a snails pace and is often distracted. I think I asked her how she was doing and we were off to the races, she blew. 

We put her into the corner in our bed room as we were folding laundry.. We told her once she calmed down she could come iut. This just increased her fit. She began hitting her head against the wall. I had her step back and then she started kicking. We tried the usual calming methods but her meltdown increaded.She went from angry to angrier.

She began to tell us she hated us and wished we were dead and Bubby (The Teen ) too. I told her she wouldn’t like that that she would miss us. And in her best Linda Blair growl, she said she would kill us and break our bones. She would find Daddy’s gun and shoot us. She’d take the dogs outside and set  the house on fire. She began hitting me and kicking. She wouldn’t let me touch her. 

Ron had called the crisis line and they said to take her to the ER and ask for a mental health evaluation.  Now this child who was caring on like she was demon possessed, calling us names became a sweet child wanting chocolate milk.

Upon arriving they got usset up in a room quickly but then we waited for over 2 hours to see the counselor. Somehow they forgot to page her.  We go over The Princess medical record, her meds and she recommends an impatient residential program. She will check to see who has beds. An hour later she says that there is one in Boise. Boise is a four hour drive. She says they can take her there by ambulance.

In the meantime, princess has to give an urine samplease after 3 chocolate milks she can finally  go. It hits me, I am going to be having to let my little girl go away. Tears begin rolling down my face and I begin to sob. She comes over and put her arm around me and tells me, that it will be ok. She is comforting me.

Letting my baby go is heart wrenching and I feel awful. I feel like I have failed this lovely little jewel. Yet if she doesn’t go what will happen?  

There is a shift change and we get a new counselor that informs us that they can get the transportation.  I will be a secured car which basically means  a car with a cage. Once of us will have to go and there will be family counseling two to three times. Boise is a 4 hour trip. 

He leaves us so we can talk. We step outside the room. We can’t afford the gas money, we have new jobs and the idea of her being caged makes us ill. We make the decision to not send her and to contact some folks to help her here locally.  Did we make right decision?  

Only time will tell. Right now we are praying without ceasing. Hoping we weren’t selfish,hoping we can help our Princess.  At this moment we are treading water .



I am a wife, mother, and pastor. We moved from Bowling Green, Missouri to Idaho Falls in 2016. I am a native of Eastern Washington state. In 2013 I had 2 strokes in 8 days and this is my journey of faith, family and health. I believe no matter what happens in your life that God can use it for His glory.

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