Tired of being Tired

I was talking to one of my kiddos online and she said she was tired.  I asked if that was physically, emotionally or mentally.  She replied, yup.

Oh my darling daughter, I so understand that.  I know right where you are coming from with that simple sentence, “I am tired”.

I hate that feeling when you feel you can’t get caught up or you are feeling like just giving in to those emotions.  You are like me you hate to be vulnerable but so often we are.  We put on our Teflon clothing hoping things don’t stick to us.  Only to find we can be one sticky gooey mess that has to be painstakingly chiseled away.

Right now my Armour is feeling a bit rusty and dinged.  I want to show bravery and trust in God at all times in all ways.  I don’t want to question why, that is not for me.  God didn’t do this to me; genetics, diabetes, misfortune of life.  It’s not how I have this but how will I deal with it.  I have choices.

Bitterness that will turn me sour and mean.

Self pity that will just swallow me whole.

Acceptance and apathy…so it’s happened

Or fight, don’t let it defeat. Be stronger than this situation.

I am still in a fog.I am not sure what emotion I should have right now.  I am just going through the daily motions waiting for the next step.  What will that be? I have not a clue.  So right now I just keep going,  trying to act normal. Trying not to dwell on my time bomb.

ticking-time-bombBecause that is what this feels like.  You know it’s there, you know it is not good…you made the silly mistake of googling it (doh) and now you know more that you should.  And of course everyone has a  scary story of being related to someone or knowing someone that had an aortic aneurysm . STOP telling me.  I don’t want to know that you know someone who knew someone whose aorta ruptured and they are now dead.

Let me find my own surprises.  This is a lot to take in in one sitting.  You go from you are ok, physically, not perfect by any means to your aorta could dissect and if it does it is hard to save you. Thanks needed that pep talk.

I have said before, it is what it is, I can’t change it.  I try not to think of it and ignore it but it hard to do.  Try telling yourself not to think of something and then see how often you think of that thing.  I am in prayer.

Several people have me on prayer chains..thank you.  Please please pray for all my tired’s. I have appeared strong in my life and I have appeared needy, right now I am on a teeter totter going both ways.  I want to be strong but that is becoming numb.  I want to shut down and just hide away.  Not even a Calgon take me away type of hiding but away as in alone.

Today is another day, there will be a tomorrow and then that will fade  away until there is another tomorrow.  Life continues; it does not stop because Dawn Marie is tired.  It goes on and I make the decision to march on; one step at a time, one moment at a time until I am no longer tired.

 

 

 

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Author:

I am a wife, mother, and pastor. We moved from Bowling Green, Missouri to Idaho Falls in 2016. I am a native of Eastern Washington state. In 2013 I had 2 strokes in 8 days and this is my journey of faith, family and health. I believe no matter what happens in your life that God can use it for His glory.

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