Random Thought on a Sleepless Night

I am tired but my mind is a whirl of thoughts. I was on the cusp of sleep when Ron jumped out of bed suddenly. Startled me and here I am, awake with my head churning.

I have thought about The Teen. Let me replay a conversation. 

T: “Can I go over to ‘blankety blank’s'(insert girls name) house and hangout?”

Me:”I thought you all were going to go hang out at the mall?” This is something I don’t understand, going to a mall without money.

Well they can’t go there?”

“Why? There parents said no?”

“No they got kicked out and can’t go there.”

“Ummm what did they do?” Now picturing the girl with a snarl and a Jr member of a gang

“I don’t know I didn’t ask . Just let me go, you can trust me.” Oh the famous last words of any person.

“Are her parents home?”

“I don’t know but it’s no big deal if they aren’t, she is my friend not my crush. Please?”

“We need to talk to her parents to see if it is okay.” Insert teenage eye roll, pleading look and horror that we don’t trust him and want to talk to a parent.

Quiet as he has an inner conversation, weighing the odds. Then comes the heavy sigh. “Fine!”

The Princess today was a chatty one. Talking a blue streak to herself and then breaking into tirades over the strangest things. She spouts hate and discontent and then turns around five minutes later and acts like she didn’t even day she hated us, the dogs and why is she part of THIS family. Puberty with this child could be frightening.

She can’t understand why she should pick up her things so the puppy can’t get it and use it as a chew toy. Chrissy has amputated a Barbie leg and ate Precious’ head (stuffed animal). She also maimed Beautiful, her stuffed horse…he now has a docked tail. So tonight she is mad at Chrissy and still doesn’t understand why we want her room cleaned.

Ron is Ron. Steadfast, steady and true. He is pretty unflappable. He just goes with the flow. He gets things done and is picking up the slack since I am so tired. Having a virus for the last week, I appreciate him so much more, he is the family rock,

I am ok. Just on hold. We did the cardio catscan on last Monday.  I was not able to get my echocardioigram.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital sick. I admit that statement makes no sense.

Tueday we go Dr Stester. I am hoping for a miracle or to hear it was a mistake. Will I get my wish? It would be great but I don’t know how realistic that is. I am preparing for the mind set of surgery. It has be better than Dr Sester tire analogy. ‘We don’t know when it could blow out, or where it might. So we need to take care of that tire so it won’t dissect and blow out.” Now I am old tire. When he was telling me this I had the picture of the Michelin tire guy slowing losing his tread and bulging out. Which then reminded me of a Christian comedian who told the story of her spanks ripping and her bulge where her fat come out and trying to stuff it back into the spanks.

I am not mad at God. I am glad we found this when we did. But part of me wonders why me. In my old school religion days, I would think I was being punished for not being all God wanted me to and not doing good deeds. Now I know God is the God for the redeemed. With the New Covenant he wasn’t pissed off at the disobedience that was shown. 

I at times feel like I have paid my dues for a lifetime; mine and someone else’s too. I have been abused, lived 4 different homes, saw my brother die of a gunshot wound, divorced, become an orphan losing most of my maternal family and my dad, two strokes at 48 years old, stresses of my job and now this. 

I know though that I am blessed. I have so much more than so many. First and foremost I have my personal relationships with my Abba and his son.  I have a loving and forgiving husband that walks his life with integrity. I have loving children who bring me joy, pride and stories to share. I have a home, food, a soft bed to lay on, a television to watch, electronics to watch, read and play on. I have a job I absolutely love. I have eternal friendships that revolve around prayer and sharing of one another.I have family here locally to celebrate with on holidays and bithdays. I may have bills and not a bunch of money but I am soooo rich. I am blessed.

Admittedly, I falter and wonder, why me? Haven’t I paid my dues? I am not as strong as Job or Esther. I am at times faltering knowing I have to trust in Him. Strangely for me, I have not shed a tear.  I know I have Jesus’ arms wrapped around me supporting me but I am a bit scared.

Open heart surgery are not three words you like to hear, the next one us heart and lung bypass machine..but better than hearing you are dying. Not that I am scared of death. I want to hear Peter say at Heaven’s Gate, “table for one in the banquest hall?” I know I won’t hear Satan say,  “you are cooking for a forever banquet and using a campfire to do it, have fun.” Then a maniacal laugh as he exits stage left

So tonight i am inventoring my lif wit brural honesty. I was reminded this week of Senatot Al Frankel when he was on SNL as Stuart Smalley a his daily affirmations…you are good enough, you are strong enough.

So Stuart Smalley I will remember that and plus go forward with a huge dose of God and prayer.


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Author:

I am a wife, mother, and pastor. We moved from Bowling Green, Missouri to Idaho Falls in 2016. I am a native of Eastern Washington state. In 2013 I had 2 strokes in 8 days and this is my journey of faith, family and health. I believe no matter what happens in your life that God can use it for His glory.

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