Tomorrow I go see Dr. Setser, the thoracic surgeon to find the results of the cardio cat scan and the echo cardiogram. I have mixed emotions. I am a person of faith and I know people have been praying; so it may have been prayed away. I am also pragmatic; is that possible.
Either way we will know tomorrow. He viewed it on the first cat scan as a 4.9 to a 5.0 cm aneurysm. So the question is; what will it be and what will we do? In the echo cardiogram the tech was circling areas and flash colors on the screen. Did I have any idea what he was doing? Not a clue. But it feels a bit ominous when you have the silent tech who occasionally hums Your mind wonders what he is humming about…
There is something in AA that is called the Magnificent Magnifying Mind. I think that now only happens with addiction but with worry. We think bigger than what it truly is and wwe have a tendency to look to far ahead.
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell
It is my time to let go and let God. Am I nervous? Yes. Am I scared a bit? Yes. Do I worry? Yes but not for me. I know what is will be. I can’t change that I have this aneurysm. I can hope that it will be soon resolved. I hate having a ticking time bomb…not knowing if it will or won’t dissect. And if so, when.
I haven’t planned for this and how do you? You get your documents ready of who will take care of you, who will make decisions for you. Someone once told me I was tough and a fighter. I hope I am but at times I don’t view myself that way. I feel weak and knock kneed in fear and fear is from that weak lost part of me. The part of the little girl who wanted to fit in and wanted to hide her wounds.
Along with all this health garbage; seeing a hematologist to be diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody syndrome, heart surgeon for the heart crap, a endocrinologist for the diabetes and the pain clinic to help control the pain….(I have not gone to a neurologist as of yet); I am getting broke just from the co-pays and I have to deal with troubled teenager.
The Teen is off the chain (not in a good way). Angry, violent, lying, sneaky, stealing and just not the little boy we adopted. He has changed so much in some ways but in others not so in maturity. He lives to see how far he can go until I blow. If I try to ignore his actions, he strives to make it louder and more in my face. He is sneaky now; with food and media. We aren’t super strict parents but are a bit. We ask for respect and to follow the rules. And the rules aren’t outrageous; be respectful, do your chores, do your homework and work hard in school, respect the time we give you for screen time. No girls over when we aren’t home. Typical rules….but he just can’t seem to do it. We have him in counseling but I can’t physically force him.
When he gets outraged he becomes physical and verbally abusive. He has pushed me and called me names. He will take out his anger by throwing things or being destructive. He use to keep his blow up for just home but he has become comfortable enough at church to be explosive there. I love him but this behavior is not going to make him a strong asset to society if he does not learn how to control himself. He will negotiate stopping a behavior to get his way.
This is not my first rodeo as a parent to a teen but man do I feel like I have been bucked off the prize bull. Also in the midst of that, I have been told to stay calm and avoid stress. Hello, I have a 15 year old who is hell bent on destruction and a special need daughter who requires attention and careful watching. The careful watching is so she doesn’t try to wear my make up, cut her hair, restyle her clothing or use finger nail polish on the stuffed and/or living dogs.
So we wait for the diagnosis for me and for my Teen.
We wait semi patiently but we wait in prayer. God is not only teaching me patience in my life but patience in being a momma of a teen who wants something but is not sure of what. Please say a few prayers for us. Prayers for health and a bit of sanity as we try to wait.