Crossfit-Day 3

I am sore tonight but extremely satisfied. I am doing this. I felt like carp today but I still went and I am glad I did.

Tonight was a night of family. My niece K, 2 of my great nieces, A and Coach Miller, and 1 great great niece and 2 great great nephews and the Princess. It is pretty cool to see the generations there. K and A’s workouts are A lot more advanced and they were kicking butt.

My workout was: 

Strength was hang snatches.

EMOMS:

 #1-7 hang snatches, 1 minute rowing. 30 sec burpees (modified for me)

 #2-10 s2oh dumbbells, 15 ring rows, 200 m run ( modified to 1 minute on bike for me)

#3-15 goblet squats, 1 minute plate hops, 30 second shuttle

Each 3 rounds.

I made it through…even though I didn’t do the rounds correctly. I did one of each round and then started over. I love the rings, rowing machine and air bike.

The 2 hand overhead is tough on the left side. Hang snatches, I am only using a bar at this point. I am hooked. My group is so supportive. Not to the point of babying me but encouraging me.

I feel sore but I am happy. If I can do this, anyone can.

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Crossfit Day 2

Tonight kicked my butt. 

Let me backtrack a bit first. When I woke up this morning, Ron asked me how I felt. I replied that the only thing that didn’t hurt were my eyelashes. I was sore today but not in so much pain that I was collapsed on the floor in pain.

Now back to today. I went in and wrote down the strength workout and the WOD (workout of the day). Strength was dumbells and bar lift. WOD was jumpsteps, burpees and wall ball. My tainer who is my great-niece who is a great niece and a great coach, modified things to take into account my left side. Now this does not mean it is made easy for me. 

It amazes me of what I can do. Yes, I realize this is only the second day but people have already dropped from our class. Yesterday we had 14, today we had 9. And I was one of the ones that made it today. Plus I completed today.

This is challenging and tough but I enjoy that. I am not in competition with anyone else but me. I admit on the 4th round, I was ready to call it a day. I pushed through though. 

I was getting shakey legged on my left side foot tonight. It will learn to cooperate or else. This would make great physical therapy for stroke folks. Especially with the modifications. This is almost as hard at the rehab at Mercy Stroke Rehabilitation.

Tonight when I got home and took a bath. The water felt wonderful and was relaxing. The problem was when I got ready to get out, I couldn’t. My weaker side would not take my weight. I had to have Ron help me out of there. He did volunteer to brink me a pillow and blanket. What a guy?

Tonight I am feeling it all over. No pain, no gain, if you don’t feel it, it isn’t working.  

Crossfit Day 1

Hear ye, hear ye!!! I made it through day 1 of Crossfit at Maltese Crossfit taught by my beautiful niece Chyrelle. Tonight was like a family reunion there with 3 other family members there. 

I honestly thought I would fail tonight. I had visions of falling on my butt and not being able to get up. Ok, the getting up part was hard and I did look for a moment like a floundering turtle.  

No one laughed. We were all in our own zone of trying to breathe at the same time as doing all these new movements. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some who were not beginners. I didn’t have time to gaze about as my body was yelling at me for causing it to move in new unimaginable post stroke ways.

My drop foot doesn’t drop and stay flat so at times they may have thought I had more than water in my bottle. My hand did its clutching thing on the air bike but that was great, I didn’t fall off one time at all.

It is nice accomplishing something new…and tomorrow I get to do it all over again. Be still my soul. I am no longer just a stroke survivor, I am a Crossfit survivor. Or at least a day one survivor.

A New Start

When I was recovering from my strokes is when this blog was born. It has seen recovery, heartache, family growth, day to day life and moving across the country. Now a new chapter is beginning.

I am going to be starting cross fit. This is both exhilarating for me to do but also terrifying. I still do not have full function in my left arm and my lower left leg. So this should be interesting. I can list here all the things that I can’t do because of my body limitations but by doing so I admit defeat. I will have to modify. I may not end up looking in great form but I will be doing the best I can.

Part of me is proud of myself for going for this. But this is not the hardest thing I have ever done. Hard was the two strokes. Hard was learning to walk, learning how to use my hand for fine motor. Hard was figuring out how to get dressed. I remember the joy I had when I learned to put on my bra by myself and the first time I buttoned my jeans. So why does this make me nervous?

One- I hate to fail. Two- I hate to disappoint. Three- I am competitive. Four- I hate looking awkward. Fifth- I don’t like to sweat. Ok number five is me being a goof. I am going to have to “suck it up, butter cup” probably quite often. Quitting, stopping or making excuses is not an option. Have a hunch my prayer life got a bit more intense.

I told some of my kids about me doing this and they laughed and then they saw that I was serious. He who laughs last…

Tonight at the YAK (Young Adult Court), we had some major breakthroughs with trust and some great laughs. But toward the end of the social, we saw some changes come over them as we shared how much we love them. We talked with them about having a 30 minute gathering of sharing God’s word in some form. They got excited about it. We would let them formulate the ideas and we will implement them.

This excites me. This is a new way for them to not so much see church but for them to begin to see relationship and spirituality. To see the Living Christ and how He loves them. I love these kids and I admire them. They aren’t perfect…they are real. They are overcoming great odds and learning to make good choices.

The best part of Sunday night is when they give you a goodbye hug and I whisper, “you are loved”. Sometimes they think I am only talking about how I love them but I am also speaking of God’s love.

This may be what God is putting before us…a new way to be the Church.

I will keep you apprised on how much I have accomplished–with both the fitness plan and my YAK kids.

Find your passion, pray, listen and pursue.

Going Down

The phrase going down today has a double meaning. It’s going down in blood sugar and it’s going down in the physical type of falling. Both are quite interesting and quite challenging in their unique way.

Good news,good news!! Since being on The Whole30 diet my blood sugar’s have dropped. If you knew me proor to this diet,you know that’s miraculous. I have not been a great one to deal with blood sugars or frankly my diabetes. I have ranged normally in the the upper 200’s to lower 200’s. On this Whole30 diet I have a tendency to have lows. My blood sugars are great when they’re good being in the the 120 to 90 range. But now I struggle with huge drops or what we call lows. My numbers have dropped as low as 58. These lows leave you feeling disoriented and for me my vision constrains. I see little lights in front of my eyes.

So I am learning to live with controlling my sugars on a new diet. I just have to listen to my body closer. Speaking of my body (ok you weren’t but I had to find a segue). I have not yet had my way in but my belt loops keep moving and I have been able to fit into some of my clothes much better. I am finding that I don’t miss many of the foods that are not allowed. Yes, even bread and chocolate. Still trying at times to succumb my desire got a Starbucks white chocolate mocha single shot with whipped.

I find myself eating a healthy non cheese non McDonalds breakfast.We are saving a bunch not eating the easy out of mom’s everywhere–fast food and pizza delivery. My kids are sure that I am making them suffer. Why is it that I think the first words out of a child’s mouth after dada and mama is McDonalds? My kids and my beloved are probably suffering more than I am. Our house has become a no junk food zone. According to the Princess I am starving her from the good stuff. I am such a horrible mom…call Children’s Division. Oh wait, she has threatened me with that for making her starve because she didn’t want the apple, she wanted cheeze puffs.

Now to the other fall or make that plural falls. Sit back for this tale or I am going to say tails. We in our insanity have three dogs; our old man Ralph, who is one of the originals, Chrissy who is the Princesses’ pup is aour german shepherd/border collie mix and our

rescue dog and now we have Gizmo.

Gizmo is a labradoodle pup that people were rehoming. We got him at a bargain basement price. If you know me, I wont pay an arm or a leg for a dog with a pedigree but he cost as much as a rescue in this area. Gizmo was named Divot but he is truly a Gizmo. Eight month old slobbery goofball who forgets he is a monster. He loves attention and is a sweetie. Did I mention he is a big eight month old pup?

We have a run line from our back door out about 20 feet until we get a fence built. I usually let them out in a certain order; the old man, the little girl and then Gizmo. I was doing great today. Ralphie went out and in, Chrissy went out and last but not least Gizmo.

Gizmo is afraid to go down the stairs. Why? I have no clue. So you have to encourage him with the word “Go”. I was encouraging him with the door partially open and then this streak of fur rushes by me. Chrissy had snuck out by me. Now anyone who knows about border
collies knows they are quick little buggers. I assumed (you have heard about what it means to aaume) she was running to the dog run which is in the baxk corner….nope. She was doing laps around the yard with me frantically calling her.

Now a quick sidenote. I am not nimble nor graceful since my strokes. My version of what I would call running you all would call something else. It is a strange hobble wobble drag leg thing. A 90 year old man could feasibly outrun me.

I totter down the back patio stairs that has no stairs. Trying to chase herdown. The dog juked me so many times. Heading to the front yard sending me into a panic as Sunnyside is next to our house. Sunnyside is a four lane busy road and we already had lost our Minnie to that road.

As soon as I am heading toward the front she flies by me to the backyard. I attempt to pivot and end up on the ground. Next to me was a brick half wall we haven’t figured out wh is there. I know now why, it is a “Dawn getter upper”. While I am working my way up, I look up and the great big bumbling galoot has snapped the run line.

So now I am chasing two dogs frantically calling their names like a crazy lady.(Please no comments on that from the peanut gallery.) I am getting panicky. Gizmo goes by and I stepped on the dangling off of the run line. Next thing I am laying on the ground with the air knocked out of me.

Chrissy never slows down. Gizmo comes over to check on me and I am able to grab him and use him to help me up. Helps to have a friendly giant. Chrissy is on lap 200 of the yard. I am able to somehow drag Gizmo back into the house. Please your imagination to how that had to look.

Chrissy now sees her buddy is going into the house and she hesitates. I grab the doggie treat bag and shake it. She comes closer and then darts into the house. She is panting, I am panting and the other two dogs are looking back and forth at us.

As I hobble into the breakfast nook, I look down at my Converse Chucks and see in my foray, I found some special surprises that the Teen swore he had been picking up every day. I am just blessed that any other part of me was not surprised.

So now I am sore from my falls and my bllod sugar is low at 60. So the moral is there are benefits to white cocolate mochas and don’t fall for any dogs.

Sleeping to the Sound of My Voice

Today was a typical day in Turnerville, The Teen exploding, teasing, backtaling and arguing. The Princess alternating from whining to laughing or just chattering away to herself

The Teen stayed home sick. Not sure how truly sick he was, have a hunch he was pulling a Ferris Bueller. The Teen now thinks chores are optional if he doesn’t feel like doing them. I informed eating could be optional also. He didn’t like that. I am glad I color my hair because I am sure I am gray. His grades have drastically improved but he continues to struggle with The social aspects. He struggles with self esteem. We keep trying to build him up but he says we do it because we have to.

The Teen and The hubby clash so often. Mostly because The Teen pushes his buttons and doesn’t stop. My normally patient husband will only take so much and The Teen doesn’t know when to quit The backtalk.

The Princess had dress up as a Disney character day at school. We convinced her to be unique and go as a clown from the circus in Dumbo. That we could recycle her clown costume for one more go. I was told tonight there were way too many princesses. She was to walk home by herself today. She went to a friend’s house and had her mom bring her home because her legs got too tired. Tonight at dinner she ate her whole dinner including meat and veggies. No complaints.

She is the one that wants to be around us and do things with us as opposed to the Teen who wants to nowhere and keeps to himself. He told us he didn’t want to be seen in public. Which always makes Ron think of the Ron White routine. I hope Princess continues to like us. But soon she too Wil become a teenager and go through PPC aka puberty personality change.

I have come to term with my diet which is more a lifestyle change. I have not weighed myself as that is a no no for the first 30 days. I know my pants are baggy and people say I am looking thinner. I am doing well avoiding my temptation foods and drinks. Even on my cheat day I barely cheat. I have stayed very basic choosing not to do a lot of fancy recipes. I am finding I don’t miss like I thought.

One good thing is that my blood sugars have lowered too the point I ha e been too low. My body clues me in quickly. Only problem is that the things I would normally due are all no no foods. Also, Ron is cooking more so he fixes their meal and I fix mine. So this a win win.

Tonight we ate dinner and actually had the kids talking. Let me rephrase thar, the Princess always talk but The Teen actually joined in with a pleasant tone and not a surly growl or grunt. Love those nights. We always no matter what eat dinner together at the table. Even if you choose not to eat, you come to the table.

My relationship with God and my journey brings me closer to Him everyday. Maybe it is due to my age. Maybe it is my Christian maturity. Maybe it is my continuing health issues and the challenges of the last year.. All I know that in this time I am closer to Him than ever before. It helps tremendously as our lives are not rainbow and unicorns. I am truly walking by faith. 

Tonight I was waxing philosophical to my husband as we settled into bed. I thought we were talking until; one, he didn’t answer my question and two, he began to snore. I had to chuckle, I put him to sleep with my talking and I hope not to do that to people on Sundays.

Tonight my prayer is for my family, my churches past and present, for those hurting and for God’s will to be done. Not my will but His will. During this season of Lent, I have been hearing Him remind of that. He has this, I just have to fully surrender and completely let go and let him. He also has been letting me not be afraid of who I am or how I am..I don’t have to be a copy or cookie cutter image of what people envision me to be as a wife, mother and pastor.. I just need to be me.

I am now hearing the soft breathing of two dogs, the muffled snores of my spouse, the sleep mumbles of the Princess and the quiet house noises. I am happy, I am content. I am at peace and I am loved.

So what if I put my husband asleep with my voice-I will consider that a talent.

Dieting. Dogs and other Doozy’s

Diet

I have been on the wonderful (please note sarcasm) Whole30 diet for one month . My skin is clearer, my blood sugars have been lower and my pants are saggy. That is the wonderful part. The not so wonderful part this is not a real diet as much as a complete lifestyle change.

So my days of bread, dairy, sugar,  (real and fake) foods and drinks and any and all processed foods or chemically enhanced foods may be at the end. You might say that isn’t bad. In a sense it is great. But my head thinks it is missing bread, rice, pasta and, cheese, yogurt, canned veggies and canned miscellany and real milk. Sometimes my stomach too wonders why it is not getting fried chicken, potato salad and corn on the cob. Which are all three no-no’s. I keep telling my brain and stomach we can do this and not slip back to eating bacon with my eggs or pizza. We no longer have pizza nights for the whole family. They get pizza and I have a salad with no cheese, no croutons, and an oil, vinegar and lemon concoction that I have made as the dressing.

Most evenings I cook two meals. Theirs might be spaghetti, Mac n cheese, beans and rice, homemade chicken noodle soup or a taco casserole. Me I will have; a lean meat, potato (baked with clarified butter or ghee)or oven roasted potato, or fried potato in an nonstick pan with a bit of cocunut and a steamed veggie . Dessert is some dried fruit or fresh fruit. Sounds gloriously healthy. I have stuck to it faithfully with only two cheat days where I didn’t cheat as much as I could of (I felt guilty).  It really isn’t too bad but hate the Dr insinuated that I was grossly obese and if I didn’t lose weight a gastric sleeve will be necessary. I am overweight but not gastric sleeve overweight. I have no clue as what I have lost yet as I was told not to weigh myself until my Dr visit. 

Today I went to get my INR (blood test to see if your blood is to thick or thin). I have to do this as I take Coumadin, a blood thinner. Due to miscommunication over if was my family doctor or hemotologist in refilling the prescription (and both are a Dr. Adams-husband and wife and trouble communicating who was doing the refill), I went four days without the med. When I went into it was a 1.0 which is too thick for people take Coumadin aka Warfarin, they would like it to be 2.5-3.0. So my blood was to thick. (I have heard of thick skinned before and there I am being differen and being thick blooded. I think They should call it rich blooded, it sounds fancier.) They called in the prescription but to the wrong Walmart pharmacy (yep, we have two in our town). After much craziness the lost was found. Now we get to thin out the blood but not make it to thin.

Dogs 

In our craziness of loving dogs and my strange need to fill a space after one of our four legged fur babies die, we got another dog. Are we nuts, probably. We got this dog for the Teen. A Labradoodle, who needed to be re-homed. We got him for a basement value price. He is seven  months old, black with a white beard, he is big and he is a slobbery goofball. He was formerly named Divot but now is Gizmo. I adore this dog. The Teen loves him but doesn’t take care of him as he should. Gizmo has chosen me. When I go on the stairs, he gets under my hand and walks me down the stairs. He searches for me and drops toys in my lap or rubs or leans on me. 

He and Chrissy (the Princesse’s dog), who is eight months old, play and play. Up the stairs, down the stairs, around in circles until they both drop in exhaustion. This doesn’t last too long and then they are back in play mode. It tires you out just watching them. I think though they are good for each other.

Ralphie, now the elder statesman, accepted Gizmo rather well. He got after him one time in a major way to establish who is the alpha. Ralph does not like it when one of his people get between him and Gizmo. There is grumbling and a snap toward him with his tail wagging. But he has established he was here first so you better show respect.

Doozys

Let me see. The Teen suddenly has gone from F’s to A’s. God does work miracles. He has the incentive of no permit unless his grades improve. I am so proud of him for stepping up his game.

He still struggles with his mental diagnoses and hates taking his meds. It is a constant battle. He is like a lot of folks, they are feeling fine so why take the meds. We keep on telling him he is feeling good because he is taking the meds. I am praying this will not be his demon. He is a great kid and now we need to convince him. We have a great team working with him at the Pearl Center. We still struggle with technology and screen times.

Our Princess is still her unique quirky child. She is starting to develop and we (I) have to remind her to wear her training bra. She is maturing in body but has the mentality of an eight to nine year old. She will come up with crazy statements that make you crack up.  She talks so fast and unclearly that you wonder if she is speaking in tongues but then we realize she has no translator.  She only leaves her regular classroom two times a day for a half your each time. She is maintaing her grades in a regular classroom at a C average. That is amazingly excellent.

She has not wandered off for quite awhile and I pray she doesn’t. Knock on wood. She loves being outside in the dirt, riding her bike on our dead end street or playing in the play house. She still imitates a racoon by taking things she likes to her ro her room and hiding it. Usually if something is missing we know where to look. 

With her nothing is boring. On Sunday she caught fire while lightening candles at church. Luckily I caught it as she went down the stairs. No one else saw was happening due to the  Passing of the Peace beginning. I saw it and quickly snapped her dress and and quickly patted out the flames. She was more upset that her dress lining that made her dress poofy had melted and that is was a brand new dress. She is always full of excitement. 

Never a dull moment with our youngest two.

Ron and I are unchanged. We work, take care of the kids, pay bills and are finnaly  starting  to do house projects. There is a lot of yard work and straightening up still to do. Hopefully we are actually seeing Spring. We still have a few rooms to decorate. I have been still sorting things and organizing what we do have and at times mourning the items we lost.

I have finally started going through boxes of my mom’s things. Mostly pictures and paperwork. I am labeling the pictures for future generations. I found death certificates of several family members. My grandfathers WWII Navy records. I found a reccomendation letter from a Spokane funeral home where my grandfather apprenticed. I have found a copy of my great grandmother’s will on my grandpa’s side. I have found a letter written by my great grandfather on my moms side, written in 1938, explaining his family history as written to a friend named George. I found my mom and stepdad’s and my maternal grandparent’s original marriage certificates and I am still sorting. My wonder is will any of my children be interested in these things. The two eldest boys know some of these people but will they want these things if I pass onto the afterlife.

Healthwise, Ron is healthy as all get out. My mom once said I would be taking care of him due to our age difference. Ironically it is the other way around. He cares for me on so many levels; emotionally, spiritually and physically. Sometimes I feel like a huge burden but he says we married for sickness and health, richer and poorer now all we have to do is wait for healthy and rich. But I always hear The words, “I love you” and his actions and works for this family shows his love, patience and commitment to all of us. It is unconditional. 

The aneurysm at times weighs heavily on us. We know the size and the possibilities. We know my stress is supposed to be limited. Hello, I have two special need kids and one is a teenager. I try to not think of it and just go on with life. I can’t dwell there but at times your mind goes there. I believe  that is when the devil is at work on me. Stupid devil.

I have written more than I planned tonight. It is now 2:52 a.m. and I am having one of my insomnia nights. These are the nights where I can’t fall asleep no matter my best intentions so I write or would be properly called typing. I am sorry if this was rambling and I probably put you to sleep after the first paragraph. If that is the case I better read it so I can go to the Land of Nod.

Blessings abound to you all.




What is Next

I write this as my children are yelling across the hallway both telling each other to be quiet. The Princess is afraid after watching Indiana Jones and is refusing to sleep. The Teen keeps making boo noises. Just another typical no school tomorrow night.

This has been an exhausting week. Actually been a hard two weeks. We have had a lot to digest. Good news, bad news, heart wrenching drama.

The Teen has been having rages. Extreme ones. Wall breaking, door breaking, chair breaking rages. It usually starts with the word–No. That most simple but dreaded word of every child. This word can lead to tears (usually that is the Princess), to backtalk, to throwing things, name calling, and unreasonable rages.

Daddy and the Teen clash horribly. Neither backs down at times. In many ways they are similar but in the sameness they also can be diverse opposites.

We have been worried about the Teen even before our move. We thought some of the issues we were having was due to that. It was a hard change for him. Whereas, the Princess has thrived, the Teen has not.

His grades have dropped, he made some poor social mistakes at school that the kids have not forgotten.  And let’s face it kids can be mean. He feels bullied and not liked. It’s heartbreaking as a parent to not be able to fix things.

This past week was difficult. On Monday the school called to let us know that other kids had said the Teen was cutting.  When asked why, the response was a shrug and “I don’t know”. It was like talking to wall.

We spoke with his counselor. We moved the Teen out of the downstairs to be up with us. We thought things would be chill. He was acting calm and aware of our concerns.

On Friday though we took several steps backward. We received a call from the school counselor  (we are becoming grand friends with nearly a call a week from her).  The Teen had his phone confiscated by her. Let me point out he’d just gotten the phone back after three weeks. Let me also point out, that we are very specific that his phone not go to school. 

She confiscated the phone when he was doing a live stream of the talent show. He swears he was being targeted or profiled by her. If having his phone confiscated was not enough, the Teen with his extensive lack of creative vocabulary called her a f#$@ing b%&ch. So that was call one from the counselor. 

Call two came about an hour later from the principal. 

“Hello Mrs Turner,  this is K…. Smith from the school.”

“Do we need to come and get him?”

She then proceeds to tell me he was in a fight and is supended for the half day. After they look ar the security tape, they will decide if there wold be further measures.

 So to the school we go. He comes to the car hot and angry. This wasn’t his fault. We don’t care. He basically hate everyone and everything.  It’s our fault and we don’t have his back.

Ron has to get back to work so I am left with a raging Teen. Oh joy. A raging teen that I am supposed to get to his psychiatrist appointment to due a routine med evaluation.  This now has to be more than that.

Somehow, thanks be to God, he agrees to go with me. Unfortunately we had an hour wait where he was ready to run.

We go back to see Dr D. The question is asked how have things been. I ask the Teen if he wanted to share. A snarl. I then tell the doctor it’s been awful. We then lay out his behaviors with me asking the Teen, “Am I telling it correctly?”

Dr D then asks the Teen a variety of questions. Then explains to him some of the behaviors and what they can be.

He speaks to us about his rages and periods of maniac being a form of bi polar. And that his social miss cues, stuttering and a few other behaviors makes him think of the Autism Spectrym and Aspergers.  He then tells him of Einstein and a few others that were a bit right of the norm.

As a parent you want to protect your children. I cannot even imagine the inner turmoil he had inside.I can’t imagine what all is inside of him and I think we only see a bit of manifestation.

I was not there during his first 8 years of life. I was not there when he was abused by his bio parents, I was not there through 11 foster homes. Bit I (we) are here now. We repeatedly tell him we love him.

I explain that I love him even when I don’t like his actions. Love can’t fix everything but it’s a great start of building trust. My baby boy is ill, he has a chemical imbalance, he has an invisible disease. I can’t remove it from him or even take this burden. 

We now have to show him that he can make it through this if he goes to counseling, takes his meds and let us help. This boy is stubborn and doesn’t believe this and doesn’t think anyone is there for him.

We are trying our best and praying a whole lot.

I think at times the visible diseases are so much easier than mental disorders.  People accept cancer, strokes and heart  disease more so than bi polar, autism, depression and anxiety. 

This is so very new to us. We expected one of our two to have issues but now it is both. We hope to do our very best. I am glad that we our people of faith because I am going to need God’s strength. 

Someone told me this morning thar the phrase, “thy will be done” in the Lord’s prayer resonated with them this week. I so understand. …God let thy will be done in this.

Tomorrow…An Answer?

Tomorrow I go see Dr. Setser, the thoracic surgeon to find the results of the cardio cat scan and the echo cardiogram.  I have mixed emotions.  I am a person of faith and I know people have been praying; so it may have been prayed away.  I am also pragmatic; is that possible.

Either way we will know tomorrow.  He viewed it on the first cat scan as a 4.9 to a 5.0 cm aneurysm.  So the question is; what will it be and what will we do?  In the echo cardiogram the tech was circling areas and flash colors on the screen.  Did I have any idea what he was doing?  Not a clue. But it feels a bit ominous when you have the silent tech who occasionally hums  Your mind wonders what he is humming about…

There is something in AA that is called the Magnificent Magnifying Mind.  I think that now only happens with addiction but with worry.  We think bigger than what it truly is and wwe have a tendency to look to far ahead.

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”  Joseph Campbell

It is my time to let go and let God.  Am I nervous? Yes.  Am I scared a bit? Yes.  Do I worry? Yes but not for me.  I know what is will be.  I can’t change that I  have this aneurysm.  I can hope that it will be soon resolved.  I hate having a ticking time bomb…not knowing if it will or won’t dissect.  And if so, when.

I haven’t planned for this and how do you?  You get your documents ready of who will take care of you, who will make decisions for you.  Someone once told me I was tough and a fighter.  I hope I am but at times I don’t view myself that way.  I feel weak and knock kneed in fear and fear is from that weak lost part of me.  The part of the little girl who wanted to fit in and wanted to hide her wounds.

Along with all this health garbage; seeing a hematologist  to be diagnosed with Antiphospholipid Antibody syndrome, heart surgeon for the heart crap, a endocrinologist for the diabetes and the pain clinic to help control the pain….(I have not gone to a neurologist as of yet); I am getting broke just from the co-pays and I have to deal with troubled teenager.

The Teen is off the chain (not in a good way).  Angry, violent, lying, sneaky, stealing and just not the little boy we adopted.  He has changed so much in some ways but in others not so in maturity.  He lives to see how far he can go until I blow.  If I try to ignore his actions, he strives to make it louder and more in my face.  He is sneaky now; with food and media.  We aren’t  super strict parents but are a bit.  We ask for respect and to follow the rules. And the rules aren’t outrageous; be respectful, do your chores, do your homework and work hard in school, respect the time we give you for screen time. No girls over when we aren’t home. Typical rules….but he just can’t seem to do it.  We have him in counseling but I can’t physically force him.

When he gets outraged he becomes physical and verbally abusive.  He has pushed me and called me names.  He will take out his anger by throwing things or being destructive. He use to keep his blow up for just home but he has become comfortable enough at church to be explosive there.  I love him but this behavior is not going to make him a strong asset to society if he does not learn  how to control himself. He will negotiate stopping a behavior to get  his way.

This is not my first rodeo as a parent to a teen but man do I feel like I have been bucked off the prize bull.  Also in the midst of that, I have been told to stay calm and avoid stress.  Hello, I have a 15 year old who is hell bent on destruction and a special need daughter who requires attention and careful watching.  The careful watching is so she doesn’t try to wear my make up, cut her hair, restyle her clothing or use finger nail polish on the stuffed and/or living dogs.

So we wait for the diagnosis for me and for my Teen.

We wait semi patiently but we wait in prayer.  God is not only teaching me patience in my life but patience in being a momma of a teen who wants something but is not sure of what.  Please say a few prayers for us. Prayers for health and a bit of sanity as we try to wait.